Feeling Fat

“I feel fat today” is a phrase echoed by women all over the world. Maybe you ate a huge meal the night before, maybe last year’s swimsuit  feels a little snug, or perhaps it’s just that time of the month. Whatever the reason, I bet all of you have said “I feel fat” at least once in your life. Have you ever thought about what that actually means though? The last time I checked fat was not a feeling. You can feel happy, scared, angry, etc. But how do you feel fat? In my personal experience  when someone says they “feel fat” they are covering up what their true feelings are (whether intentionally or not). This is definitely something I’ve been guilty of in the past. During my pre-eating disorder days saying that I felt fat usually meant that I felt guilty, ashamed, or insecure. By the time I was in 6th grade I had gotten chubby, like  many other children do at that age. It was a very awkward physical stage for me and I endured a lot of teasing from my classmates. My self-esteem took a major hit that year. I became very insecure with myself, especially my body, but instead of acknowledging that I felt insecure I started saying “I feel fat.” At the time it was easier for me to focus on the physical rather than the emotional. Some of the kids at school teased me about being “fat” (among other things), which just made it easier to say to myself. I started worrying about what I ate and became very conscious of the number on the scale. I ate a lot of sweets and junk food back then and I started feeling guilty about it. I didn’t know much about healthy eating yet, but instead of trying to learn I just settled on feeling guilty about what I ate. Instead of admitting that I felt guilty about food and my weight I just said “I feel fat.”

I wish I could say that things changed once I entered high school, but they didn’t. I no longer had people teasing me about being fat, but it didn’t matter. At that point my self-esteem was so low that I didn’t need negative comments from others to feel like shit. I was lonely and depressed. I had plenty of friends, yet I still felt like the awkward, insecure person I was in middle school. I started dieting and obsessing over everything I ate. I was determined to lose a few pounds so that I wouldn’t feel fat anymore, but it didn’t help. The more weight I lost the worse I felt about myself. My eating patterns and thoughts about food became very distorted and unhealthy. I ate less and less everyday and gave myself guilt trips after every meal. I had a hard time admitting what the real problem was, that I was suffering from depression and an eating disorder, so instead I just said “I feel fat.” I used the word “fat” to cover up my feelings and problems. It was easier to focus on my weight, something I knew I could change, than it was for me to do a psychological overhaul.

When I finally decided to get help one of the first things I needed to do was stop using the word “fat.” I had to figure out how I really felt inside and how to deal with those feelings. I won’t lie, it was difficult. I had been denying my true feelings for so long that I couldn’t even figure out what they were. It took a lot of time and soul-searching to finally understand what was going on inside my head. Even when I started to understand what was going on, my first instinct was to say “I feel fat.” I had to force myself to stop focusing so much on the outside and pay more attention to the inside. Of course, this also meant that I had to change my eating behavior as well. I couldn’t use food (or lack of) as a coping mechanism anymore. This was also terribly difficult for me. Avoiding food was my reaction to feeling fat. I had no idea how to react to feeling depressed or lonely. Over time I had to learn new coping skills and, not surprisingly, none of them had to do with food.

I am far along enough in my recovery now that I can accept my feelings and not hide from them anymore. Very rarely do I catch myself thinking “I feel fat today.” Of course, I slip up occasionally, but whenever I do I realize right away that something else is bothering me. Eliminating the word “fat” from my list of feelings has done more than just teach me how to cope with my problems, it has made me feel better about myself. I am no longer so insecure about my body, I have higher self-esteem, and I do not feel guilt over food or my body.

The next time you catch yourself saying “I feel fat,” stop and ask yourself what’s really going on. Figure out how your real feelings are and what you’re going to do about them.